Just Forget the World
by katleap
Summary: What if 03’s double status was discovered? What if the Gundam Pilots lost the war? 1x2 3x4


Just Forget the World

Author: Katleap

Email: R

Warnings: This is a DEATH FIC!!! You have been warned! Also language.

Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 5+M, 13x5

Disclaimer: I don't own them. So don't sue. I don't own the song either. The song is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.

Author's note: This is a 'what if' fic. It just would not leave me alone. I tried to alter it and give it a happy ending but nothing doin'. So this fic is a what if 03's double status was discovered and how thing might have worked out.

The points of view switch around a bit but I've marked the change.

MIA- missing in action

* * *

Just Forget the World

It seems everything was shot to hell the minute the colonies turned us. Duo got caught and nearly executed. Trowa joined Oz. Wufei decided he was better off on his own. Heero fixated on revenge. And me, well I guess I suffered a huge bout of temporary insanity.

_/We'll do it all/_

Everything was already going by the time events took place at the Lunar Base. Heero failed in his attempt of revenge and was captured. Not long after that, both Wufei and Duo had joined him. This put Trowa between a rock and a hard place. He tried to protect them and not blow his cover at the same time. The plan was to get the Gundams and destroy the Base. Everything was in place, even my untimely appearance in a new Gundam didn't upset things to badly. Trowa and Heero left to stop me and Duo and Wufei had the info on their new suits. Then we were ratted out. Some one found the new suits the Doctors were making and informed the bosses.

While Heero and Trowa, unknowingly distracted me from blowing up the colony, the Oz forces caught up with them. Several Taurus's came up behind me. They died but let Heero get the shot in he needed. I went down but I took him with me. Trowa tried to help and we could see the hundreds of suits headed our way. Trowa and Heero had been compromised, they could tell from the com chatter. Trowa managed to get away. He crashed into a L3 satellite, stole a shuttle and headed for somewhere else. Heero and I weren't so lucky. Oz caught us and took us to a near by base. There we found out that the good Doctors were dead. Duo and Wufei had managed to escape in a small ship. They were currently also MIA.

_/Everything/_

They kept us locked up for a few days and then started the interrogating. Two days later, some rookie solider thought that Heero was to hurt to move. He paid for it with his life and we escaped. Heero took us to earth where we retrieved Heavy Arms and repaired it. (Wing was in worse condition and retrieving it was a lot more complicated.) Heero took it and started his mission of vengeance. I stayed hidden moving from safe house to safe house, sending Heero data and looking for the other pilots.

I found through Oz files that Wufei and Duo had been tracked to L5. When the colony refused to hand them over, Oz destroyed the colony. Shortly afterwards it was made clear that neither of the two pilots had stayed on L5 very long. Duo had left the day after arriving there; Wufei a week later. Wufei was on earth, I was in touch with him sporadically. Trowa was colony hopping like mad, using his abilities to blend in. Duo, I lost track of completely. He just vanished.

_/on our own/_

Oz had succeeded in their plan to bring peace back to earth and it's colonies. Trieze had won Romefeller over and was undermining it's power. There were only small fractions of rebels left and us. Oz has decreed the Gundam pilots, terrorists and enemies of both Earth and Colonies. We are to be arrested on sight. The small rebel forces dwindled. Sally Po was killed in China. Relena Peacecraft and her brother Zechs Marquise are exiled to the former Sanq kingdom. Lucrezia Noin has disappeared. I believe she is also in Sanq, with Zechs. Trieze Khushrenada was assassinated almost a week ago. He was killed in his own home, run through with a sword. It is believed that he fought with his attacker before dying.

_/We don't need/_

Oz has closed in around us these past few weeks. Wufei was captured just outside of Brussels, only hours after Trieze's death. There was wet blood on his face, hands and sword. Heero was the next to be retrieved. His guerilla attacks with the Gundam were just too visible. Five days ago, they disabled his Gundam just outside of Singapore. I have not heard anything of him since. Trowa was discovered the next day on L4. He had broken into the Winner mansion there that night and was found sitting on my bed in the morning. He was arrested and taken to the highest security prison on earth. I do not know what has become of Duo.

_/Anything/_

I can hear the fighting down stairs. It is only a matter of time before they reach me. Rashid has been dead two days and though the rest of the Maguanacs defend me, their numbers grow few. I doubt any will survive this day. It will be good to see the other pilots again. I have missed them, especially Trowa. I crave his touch and long to hear the sound of his voice. I want one more night in his arms. One more chance to tell him how much I love him.

They are banging on the door. It will not last long. I wipe the last of the data from the computers. Even though I cannot spare our lives, I try to give others the chance to live. I wait, feeling empty. The only time the hole in my heart is filled is when I'm with him. He is my heart. The door bursts open. They pull me from my chair and down through the house. You died an honorable death my friends. Go in peace. I am cuffed and frisked, then loaded into a transport. I'm coming Trowa.

* * *

I watch the blood drip from my body. It forms tiny snakes of crimson that trickle down my translucent skin. When the blood dries, the designs will be one of a kind. If I live that long. I shudder. It's cold, so very fuckin' cold.

_/If I lay here/_

The straps hold me down on the table. They're gundanium just like every other damn thing is this hellhole. Though I doubt that anyone of the rest of us could bend steel bars like the perfect solider. The metal is cold against my back and I suppress another tremor. It's been like this for the past 16 fucking days. Isolation, cold dark cell, interrogation, torture. At least once a day, most often multiple times, I am dragged from my cell and taken to this room. The walls are white, the ceiling's white, all the instruments and restrains are gundanium and the floor is red. So the blood doesn't stain.

They want me to talk. Asking me questions about 'this mission' or 'this person'. Names, places, times. I just laugh. I do talk but not about what they want. It doesn't hurt that I have no clue about the other pilots. We split two months ago. Somehow, my torturers just can't seem to get that through their thick skulls. Bastards, all of them.

So I give them what they want. It's all shit anyway. Took them six failed recoveries before they figured out that I wasn't telling them the truth. I didn't have any truth to tell. They were quite upset when that fucking bastard died. Nearly killed me as well. Got to spend twenty hours in my little piece of artic.

I knew it was Wufei. He had to salvage the one piece of honor he had left after they blew up his colony. I'm glad he escaped the destruction. I hadn't been sure. After we escaped from the moon, we went to L5. I patched myself up and took a small shuttle to earth where I could distract Oz subtlety. Or thought I could. It worked for about six weeks, then blew up in face. They caught on to me and I couldn't lose them. So I left earth, retreating to the place I knew best. Somehow, they knew I would flee there. Quietly, I never knew that such a shit-hole organization such as Oz, could move with some stealth, they shut down everything to and from L2. Some cover story about an explosion of some kind in the hub. It worked. No one suspected that it was really so that they could retrieve a pilot that they'd been hunting for the past 6 weeks. They found me, drugged me and took me back to earth. The last thing I saw clearly during my arrest was the dark sorrowful eyes of a friend. Or rather someone I thought was my friend. The bitch, though she's dead now. Guess that even an extremist government doesn't like little pieces of shit handing over their friends, former or not.

_/If I just lay here/_

They're coming back now. The restraints are unlocked and they pull me from the table. I fall. They know I can't stand on my own, too weak, too damaged. They let me fall anyway. It hurts. All I can do is stare at the blood on my arms. Some of it has dried but the fall reopened some of the deeper ones. I can feel it thick and warm as it drenches my skin again. Once I would of launched myself at those bastards, maybe gotten a hit or two in before they beat me senseless. I don't.

After they arrested Fei, they found Trowa and Heero. I heard that they caught Quatre yesterday. They don't know I'm here. God, I want to see my friends again. Just once more. Then I can die. Maybe they'll let Heero cradle my broken body once before they release my damned soul. I don't think I'll be able to see him in hell.

The gray smock is thrown over my head covering some of the bleeding wounds. They manhandle me out of the room. I shut my eyes. When I leave them open everything goes blurry and I pass out or vomit. I want to know where I'm going. They reach the bisecting hall. They go straight instead of left. Inside I feel a tiny spark of joy.

And I'm praying to any god that will listen.

Please god let it be them

Left, right, right again, long straight section, left. They stop. I open my eyes. One of my guards keys in the pass code. The door opens and they shove me into the dim interior. I'm blind. I fall.

Calloused hands catch me, pull me in. I cling to that warm familiar body. "Oh Duo." He breathes. He lowers us to the floor cradling me in his arms. It doesn't matter where we are or what the future has in store. As long as I'm in his arms, it'll be all right.

* * *

_/Would you lie with me and just forget the world/_

The most awful feeling was born as I watched my lover and my best friend try to kill each other. Helpless to stop them, save them, spare them. Then those tinny voices that called out our betrayal. It blurred everything together. The distracting Taurus, Heero's shot, Quatre's suit crashing into the colony. Oz forces closed in around us and still I did nothing but stare at the hole in the colony where my copilots had disappeared. Heero's voice brought me back. He told me to go. His and Quatre's suits were too damaged to escape. My heart screamed no don't leave them. My head argued that I could not help them if I was captured too. I left. Quatre was screaming my name. For weeks his screams haunted my dreams. They still do.

_/I don't quite know/_

I spent two months hiding, blending in, and moving from colony to colony as fast as I could without drawing attention. I avoided Catherine and the Circus. They could trace me there.

I did go once. I waited until dark and snuck into her trailer. We spent the night talking, sharing 'what ifs' and 'could have beens' that would never be. As dawn neared, we said our goodbyes. She clung to me, tears dampening my shirt. I let her cling for a while, then gently told her I needed to go. She looked up at me, with her tear-streaked face. "Will I ever see you again?"

_/How to say /_

The vile truth or the wistful lie. Hard choice, cruel words. "No Catherine. You will never see me again." I met her eyes and tenderly kissed her forehead. "Farewell." I slipped from her embrace and into the night. I stopped once I was cloaked in darkness and looked back. Catherine stood on the trailer steps, pooled by the ground lights, robe pulled tight around her. I watched for a minuet, indulging my selfish heart.

I left L3 after that. I did not return there, the pull to see her one more time was too strong. Instead I went everywhere else. I touched base with Quatre every so often. Oz continued to hunt us.

Almost three weeks ago I ran into Wufei on L1. Raw and hurting over the loss of his colony, nearly two months before. I risked our cover to stay with him, ground him, before he lost his sanity. Wufei recovered. Injustice and anger filled him to the brim. He was a ticking time bomb. It was then we found Duo.

_/How I feel_

He had fulfilled his motto running and hiding on L2. Burrowed down into the filth and squalor from which he came. It was an existence he swore he'd never return to. Yet to save himself and us, he had. Twice before Oz had associated him with L2. It was only a matter of time. And this time they had help. Duo's one time friend Hilde Schbeiker, sold him out. They cut all transportation to and from L2 to keep him from running. Hilde led them straight to him. I don't know why she did. I do know she was dealt with accordingly.

When the ban on travel was lifted Wufei and I separated. Nine days later I found myself on L4. Trieze had been dead for three days. Duo was imprisoned or dead. Wufei was incarcerated. Heero had just been arrested. I could taste defeat. With Oz's capture of a Gundam they could track Quatre. They would trace him in days and I was tired.

I found the Winner mansion and snuck inside. An invisible deadly ghost. Quatre's bedroom was on the third floor, all deep greens and soft white. To be so near my lover and yet so far was almost overwhelming. Soon I had told myself, it will be soon.

I only had to wait for dawn. While entering I had not been that careful. The bodies were hidden but the smeared blood would be hard to miss. I had relaxed. Soon I would see Quatre again. Then I could say what I wanted, no needed to say. To tell him I loved him. Actually, say I love you.

_/Those three words/_

I love you.

_/are said too much/_

Those cliché and worn-out words are so important. Quatre knows I love him but I have never been able to get the words out, to his face. Late in the dark of night, after our frenzied lovemaking and he's curled up on my chest sleeping, I can whisper them to the shadows. He's never heard them yet his faith in my love never wavers.

I had watched the false dawn steal over the colony. It was pretty, though pale beside the real thing. It did not take long. A maid discovered the blood. Special Forces was called in. They found and arrested me. I did not resist. Within the hour, I was transferred into Oz custody and en route to earth.

There was no interrogation, no torture. Only heavy bindings on my wrists and men with guns. After many gray hallways we arrive at a door just like every other we've passed. My wrists were released and I was simultaneously pushed through the door. The lighting was dim. I could not see for a few moments. Gradually I could make out two figures.

"Glad you could make it Barton." a voice called from the shadows.

"Did they treat you with the same disrespect they reward all fallen soldiers with?" Another voice asked.

"Heero. Wufei." I acknowledged. My eyes adjusted. Heero was battered and bloody. He looked like he had just been in a Gundam battle. "Did you self destruct?" I asked.

He barked an ironic laugh. "Tried too," he said. "It didn't work."

"Catherine made me disable it."

Heero shut his eyes. I walked to the wall and slid down to sit on the floor, legs stretched before me, between my two friends. Wufei sat in lotus position. He was recovering from a brutal beating. Repercussions for the death of the general. We stay in silence for a while. Each wrapped in his own thoughts. I broke the stillness next.

"Duo?"

"Nothing" Wufei responds.

"How long?"

They did not answer. Didn't need too. We all knew the answer. Soon. Tomorrow. Next week. It didn't matter. It was over. We had lost.

They threw Duo in today. He was bloody, lacerated and weak. Heero caught him before he hit the floor. Torture. How long had they had him? Two weeks? Maybe a little more. I feel guilty. We'd left him to deal.

Duo clung to Heero as curled into him a possible. I believed he'd passed out, when his voice, hoarse and dim, came out of the grayness.

"They found Quatre. He's here."

* * *

The floor was hard. I had tired to put myself into a meditative trance, to forget the pain in my body and stop the whirlings of my mind. I could not sink into the peaceful blankness. Instead I could feel the chill metal beneath my buttocks, the fiery pain of my left arm and the pounding of my body beating in time with my heart.

_/If I lay here/_

Why Nataku? Why can I not seek relief, though temporary and fleeting. Why?

She stands looking at me. Makes no move. No sound.

She is always there. A silent wraith. Sometimes I sleep. When I wake she has moved positions, but her eyes never change. Black endless pools, so like my own.

17 months since my wife died. Seven months since I came to earth. Six months since I met and joined the other pilots. Five months since I became a lover. Two months since it all fell apart.

I beg you Nataku, please. I of all people do not ask, plead, least of all beg. I am now. Release me from this cruelty which you visit.

She remains silent. Unmoving. An unforgiving phantom of all my failures. I stare at her for a long time. Eventually I drift into a distorted collection of memories. Glimpses of my home. Flashes of my friends. Scenes of my lover. The unmaimed truth laid out before me.

_/If I just lay here/_

Getting out of the lunar base was bloody. Somehow, somewhere, someone released the catch on the door. It was a brutal battle to get out alive. We fled to L5, Maxwell piloting like a mad man, throwing off Oz again and again. When we arrived exhausted and wounded, we were welcomed by my people. Maxwell stayed the night and left early the next afternoon.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like Wuffers. I'm leaving."

"My name…"

"Is Wufei. I know." He rolled his eyes. "See ya Wu-bear."

I had sputtered helplessly for a few moments then took off after him. I caught him in the hall just outside the shuttle bay. "Where will you go?"

"Wherever the wind blows Fei."

I ignored him. "We don't know what happened to the others. This will draw attention. You might as well paint a target on yourself Maxwell."

"That's the point Wufei."

Maxwell never called me by my given name. I met his suddenly serious gaze.

"Goodbye Fei."

Then he was gone. Vanished to destinations unknown.

It took me a week before I realized what Maxwell meant. He knew that the others would escape. He knew that Oz would be out for blood. He knew that they would eventually track us to L5. So he offered to distract them by dangling bait. It would give the rest of us time to regroup and fight back. Even at the cost of his own life. Fool though I am, I went after him. It was not honorable, it was suicide.

_/Would you lie with me and just forget the world/_

I went to earth. Straight to him. Hidden away in his vast house, I searched for my companions. He had the resources and he did not begrudge me the use of them. Also it would not be suspicious if Oz got wind that he was searching for the missing Gundam pilots. I found that Winner and Yuy had been taken to an Oz holding facility, from which they escaped four days later. Barton had managed to evade capture and was MIA. I came across traces of Maxwell. He had not yet been discovered. An unknown saboteur. File wipes and viruses. Little annoyances, never in the same place and just enough to keep Oz off balance.

I departed my lover's house early the third morning. He had left in the night called away by duty. I had arisen early, pulled from sleep by his absence and a feeling of wrongness. That was the first time I saw Nataku. She was standing by the vid screen, staring at it intently. When she ignored my attempts to get her attention, I turned it on.

I sat there wrapped in silken sheets rumpled by our lovemaking and watched as Trieze Khushrenada ordered the destruction of my colony. I watched as it disappeared in flame and light. I watched as my home was annihilated. I watched, then left with the sun in my eyes. That was why they watered. I do not cry.

_/Forget what we're told/_

My soul had been torn in two. I was filled with anger, bitterness and hatred. I journeyed east and joined Sally Po and her band of rebels in China. I cut off all contact with anyone and threw myself into battle against Oz. She did not ask any questions and I did not provide any explanations. Four weeks later Sally was killed in a raid. I did my best to keep the group together and give us an honorable death fighting against the injustices of Oz. Fate is a cruel thing. All those under my command perished with glory. I was denied that privilege.

Wounded, I was left to wander from the battlefield with only Nataku at my side. I drifted for a few days, allowing my health to deteriorate. I was on L1 when it all fell apart. Barton, gods know how, found me and risked our cover to assist in my recovery. My body healed and my rage found focus. After a week I was well enough to take care of myself. Just before we separated, all travel to and from L2 was shut down. Something about a major line in the colony's hub busting. We hacked into the security system to see what was going on.

"Maxwell? I thought he was still on earth."

"Oz got a whiff. Drove him off the planet."

"L2?" Barton nodded in conformation

"He said that he wouldn't go back to that lifestyle. If he did he must have been out of options. Unless…"

Barton and I exchanged glances.

"K'so!" We turned back to the screen, rewound it….watching….There! Barton froze it. A flash of dark hair and a blue beret.

We parted a few hours later. Hacking into the L2 security database was sure to have altered someone. I left for L2 two days later. I figured out a couple of things. First some one had discovered my hackings from when I had been in Brussels. That is the only way possible for them to cut Maxwell off enough that he had to leave the planet. Second he had been betrayed. There was only one person located on L2 that he would trust enough.

Hilde was easy to find. She took me to Maxwell's hidey-hole. A hole it was. The area was deserted, especially because there had been soldiers there a few days ago. She screamed for hours. Traitors don't deserve an easy death. Death it's self is too good for them. But justice was satisfied. I left her body there. To be found eventually by the dogs she worked for. The next day I was on a shuttle bound for earth. There was unfinished business there.

_/Before we get too old/_

I arrived in the south of France. Carefully I made my way to Brussels, detouring long enough to hack a copy of Khushrenada's schedule. I arrived in the late afternoon. Once I was inside the grounds of his luxurious estate, I made my way to conservatory. I hesitated ever so briefly outside the doors. Should I do this? Yes. Rid the world of a tyrant? Yes. Cut off the head of the snake? Yes. Justice must be done.

Then why are you hesitating a small voice in the back of my mind hissed. I shoved it away viciously. I could not waver now.

I entered. He was waiting for me. I did not accuse him of crimes. I did not beg him to stop or to leave. I did not ask why. I simply bowed and led the way to the ballroom. It is the largest enclosed space within his mansion. I moved to the center of the room and waited while he choose a saber from the wall. Weapon selected, I drew my own and watched him walk over to me. There we stood several paces apart just looking at each other. Then we bowed and the duel started with a loud scraping of metal. Back and forth, side to side, up and down the room we fought, the advantage switching sides often and unpredictably.

It happened suddenly. His attacks had constantly grown more vicious and I was on the defensive. He was steadily backing me to a wall and I couldn't seem to break free of his press. He lunged a little to close and I was under his guard, sword ripping into the center of his chest. He gasped, saber clattering to the floor, body falling off my sword onto the gray marble. I knelt, gathering his dying body into my arms, his blood smearing on me, his blood mingling with mine.

"Wufei" he gasped, then stilled. I stayed there cradling his lifeless body until his blood began to coagulate. Nataku stood by the veranda doors. I gently laid him down, then stood and followed her out into the early evening.

They found me not long after that. Still covered in his blood and clutching my sword. They arrested me, packaged me up and sent me to the head facility. There I was escorted into an interrogation room where they proceeded to 'gather information'. They beat me almost to death in that room, with it's white walls and red floor.

I woke to the cold lonely cell I sit in now. Nataku my only companion. After an indeterminable amount of time, I heard footsteps outside the door. They stopped, the door torn open and a battered body is hurled in. I dragged myself from my corner. It was Yuy. I curled next to him, grateful for the comfort of another warm body, though I'd never admit it. I slept.

It was three days from the time I was arrested to when Yuy joined me. It less than twenty four hours later when Barton was added to our group. Now Maxwell has joined us. He says that Winner will come soon. This can only mean one thing. They will execute us. Probably tomorrow. Nataku looks at me now. I am not afraid. She is there to guide me. And Trieze is waiting.

* * *

His breathing is so shallow it seems like it has stopped all together. The only thing that convinces me that he's alive is the small puff of air that caresses my cheek every few seconds. I can feel every one of his ribs. He's so thin. While he was slight before, now he's all skin and bones. His skin is black and blue with bruises, red with blood and white with cold and blood loss. There are scars that weren't there before. It's a miracle that he is even alive.

_/Lets waste time/_

The smock he's clothed in is paper thin. He shivers in the cool air of the cell. I hold him closer. It's all I can do. I don't dare look to see what they have done to him under the cloth. There is nothing to be done about it. I can see one large scar on his upper thigh where the smock has pulled up. I keep staring at it. It's the size of a half dollar. Caused by inserting a knife and twisting it in a circle. That it's self is enough reason to tear down every brick of this building. Take every life.

Painfully.

At least it isn't infected like the one on his left calf. It's yellow green and oozing pus. I grasp him as tightly as I can. I want to crush him to me and never let go, but he's too fragile. Like glass. The anger and guilt well up again. This is my fault. I know it's not but I can't help feeling it is. I knew he was here. I wanted nothing more then to stamp down these walls with Heavyarms and rescue him again. I couldn't. I knew where he was while they tortured him. Whittled him down to the wraith he is now. Since the day they brought him to earth. Sixteen days!

Sixteen _fucking_ days!

That's how long I knew and did nothing. Still they bring him in and he falls into my arms, like everything is gonna be okay because I'm here now. Like I'm some hero. Ha. I want to cry. Scream. Rage. Break something. Someone. But all I can do is hold him. Hold him while he sleeps the first true sleep he's had in two weeks. Hold him and not let go.

_/Chasing cars/_

Simply put. I failed. I failed to complete my mission. I failed to stop Oz. I failed to save earth and the colonies from tyranny. I failed to save Relena from exile. I failed to save my friends from capture, interrogation and execution. I failed to save my lover from torture. I failed in every sense of the word. The two most damning words in my life. Nimnu shippia.

Quatre and I were taken by the enemy when our suits crashed into the satellite. Quickly realizing that we were compromised and had no immediate means of escape, I told Trowa to leave. We were taken to a nearby Oz facility. They left alone for two days then pulled us out separately for 'questioning'. All they did was beat us. The facility was mostly full of rookies that were angry about the deaths of a few comrades. It was easy to fake unconsciousness and then snap the guard's neck.

Stowing away on a shuttle bound for earth Quatre came up with a plan. We didn't know where the others were so we decided to retrieve Heavyarms and use it for guerrilla attacks. Quatre would coordinate the attacks with other rebel groups and I would fly the Gundam. This plan worked really well, until Oz began taking out rebel groups. It became harder to camouflage the suit. Then Sally was killed and Wufei led her group bravely to their deaths. The other groups started to break and run. They were picked off one by one.

Quatre had also been keeping tabs on the other pilots. The only one he had trouble keeping track of was Duo. 02 refused any contact. Didn't want to know anything in case he was compromised. Twice, I found his location and went to him. I rarely slept those nights. Instead I watched him. Exhausted, he slept in a tangle of hair and naked limbs. Beautiful and vulnerable in the dim light. We always parted before dawn.

When he left earth abruptly, I worried. When he was betrayed, I cursed and would have been on the first flight to L2 to deal revenge. Wufei beat me to it. I became so focused on destroying Oz and freeing Duo that I forgot everything else. Trieze's death came unexpectedly. Though now that I reflect on it, it makes sense. At that time the sense of failure was overwhelming. Quatre was moving safe houses every day. Wufei arrested. Duo in prison. Trowa, god knows where. I was functioning on autopilot and autopilot wasn't good enough in Singapore.

They surrounded me, demanding I surrender. When I didn't they concentrated fire on the leg joints, which eventually gave out. I pushed the self-destruct button. It was not connected. In desperation, I threw the Gundam sideways. It rolled and I climbed out to run on foot. I don't know how many Oz soldiers I killed that day. When they caught me, I was delirious with pain and guilt. Unconsciousness came easily. When I woke I was in a cell, Wufei pressed against my back. Trowa came the next day. Duo was thrown in late this morning. He stayed awake long enough to relate the message that Quatre had been captured yesterday and should be arriving today. Then he passed out, which mellowed into sleep. He has not left my arms since his appearance.

The ass length hair is loose, spreading around us like a cloak, thick and matted. When he wakes he'll complain about not being able to wash it and how it needs to be brushed. The thought brings a small smile to my lips. Though it vanishes instantly as he groans softly in his sleep. Thank god they didn't cut it off. If they had, he'd be dead.

They have taken everything from him. From all of us. The only thing Duo has left is his hair. And me. He still has me. I swear for as long as he is, he'll _always_ have me.

* * *

The transport lurched, slamming my head into the metal wall. Hard. My vision blackens then clears. The guard across from me glares. I don't look at him. My eyes close and I try to move with the vehicle's swaying.

I am slightly dizzy from the drugs. Very early this morning we reached a small isolated airfield. They removed me from the transport, jabbed a needle in my arm, removing me from consciousness. I woke hours after we had left the plane. We were moving transports for at least the second time. The commander, irate and frustrated, used the butt of his pistol to hasten my progress. I had sprawled on the ground semiconscious and bleeding. Vaguely I was aware of two soldiers who hauled me to the transport. I passed out on the walk there.

_/I need your grace/ _

The transport rocks sending me into the wall again. My hands are handcuffed to the bench in front of me, my feet shackled under it. The cuffs chafe my wrists as the vehicle pitches. My limbs locked in place while the rest of me is tossed about. There is blood on my face. It is matted in my hair and thick upon my skin. The bleeding has finally stopped. The blood is crusty. It flacks as my head moves.

The road smoothes out. The transport continues for about 90 seconds, the stops. I wait quietly. We arrived at the first entrance. I can hear the muffled sound of voices and booted feet. The door is opened briefly and a silhouette is glimpsed of. Then the vehicle starts again and we're moving. The transport stops twice more. The engine cuts off and I can hear the murmur of voices. The doors swing open.

The handcuffs are released from the bench. A blindfold is roughly tied around by eyes. The shackles around my ankles are removed. Someone grabs me by the arm and pulls me out of the truck. I miss the step down. I'm falling. Hands catch me, pulling me upright. Two feet on the ground and the sunshine on my face.

_/to remind me/_

The sun. Outside. I revel in the feel of golden warmth on my skin. Ignoring the harsh hands on my arms as they haul me across the compound. There is the whoosh of doors and I am inside a building. I try to map out the route in my head but the after effects of the drugs are making it hard to focus. We continue down hallways, our footsteps echoing off the tile. The minutes stretch long. I am lost. I do not know the way out.

We stop. There is the slight beef of a pass code being entered. A tone as it is accepted and the sound of the door opening. The cuffs are suddenly gone. I am shoved forward and the door closes almost catching me as it does. Footsteps approach. I tense. Gentle hands ouch the blindfold. The scent and touch are familiar. I flinch as fingers brush the bloody head wound. The touch pulls away, the deftly finds the knot of fabric. The material falls into his hands and I can see.

Dark auburn hair. Brilliant green eyes. Tall lanky figure.

Trowa

I throw myself into his arms, clutching clinging. He enfolds me into his embrace just as harsh as mine. My face pressed into his shirt. A few tears escape, relief, love, grief. Time blends together. I don't know how long we stand here, hanging onto each other.

Pressed against his chest I can hear his heart beat. It ignites a warmth in me that I have not truly felt since I last left him. I do have a heart. It beats in time with his.

* * *

It's been three weeks since I held him. He clings to me, like a cat afraid of water. I hold him, solid and real against me. When the raging emotions that I had seen in Quatre's face had calmed, I leaned down and whisper in his ear.

"Okay?"

I feel him nod. He moves to see the others. I simply turn around him, keeping him in the circle of my arms. Quatre leans against me. I see what he sees.

_/If I lay here/_

The cell, gray and hard. The light is medium, neither dim nor bright. Wufei sits next to the right wall. Left arm unconsciously held against his chest. Bruises pepper his skin, blue, green and yellow. The white pants are stained and ripped. His eyes are black. I recognize the look for what it is. Acceptance of the inevitable.

Almost opposite, Heero sits against the back wall near the corner. The cobalt eyes taking in everything. He is bruised and scraped , evidence of a hard mecha battle. Cradled in his arms is Duo, the long hair loose, hiding his face and arms. The gray smock barely comes to mid-thigh. His legs are white, the wounds brilliant and vivid to the eye. Particularly the nasty scar on his thigh and the infected laceration on his calf.

Duo stirs. Heero automatically tightens his grasp. The soft pained intake of air makes him loosen his hold. Duo coughs once and rolls over, Heero's hands steadying him.

"Quat?" He rasps.

Quatre stiffens in my arms. Then breaks away, staggering across the cell to collapse next to Duo, throwing his arms around him. Heero looks at me, my worry reflected in his eyes.

It is Duo who clings. Quatre's hold is gentle, careful. The tendons stand out in Duo's arms. As I approach, I can see the back of the smock, stained a blackish red. There are fresh streaks. They are spreading before my eyes. Heero and I disentangle them. Duo retreating into Heero. Quatre comfortable with me. Their hands stay clasped.

_/If I just lay here/_

I settle on the floor next to Heero. Drawing Quatre to sit between my legs, I go over my lover with hand and eyes. There is a fairly large cut on his head. Looks like someone hit him with the butt of a gun. Needle marks and bruising on his left arm. Wrists swollen and bloody from handcuffs as well as various cuts, scrapes and bruises. I pull the blindfold from my picket. I rip several long shreds from it. I hand Heero a narrow one and then use the rest of the strips to clean Quatre's head wound and bandage his wrists.

When I finish, he leans against me, head pillowed on my shoulder. I look down at him. The big blue eyes meet my own.

"How are you?"

"Tired. Dizzy." He rubs his chest. "Hurts."

His empathy is reacting to us. We're close and he is picking up our feelings.

I quirk an eyebrow at him. Quatre relaxes against me, his voice soft.

"Wufei is resigned. Heero is worried, relieved, guilty. Duo is pain…" His face clenched "and sad and happy."

He places his hand on my chest.

"Worry. Relief. Peace. Love." He falls silent.

"And you"

He is quiet for a moment.

"Content"

He sighs and snuggles into me.

I hold him as close as I can without hurting him. We will die in less than twenty four hours and my lover is content. I know why. It is because he is with me. Yes Quatre, I understand. I let go of him with my right hand. I tilt his chin up, thumb gently stroking his cheek. He meets my eyes.

"I love you"

My breath caresses his lips. I kiss him.

He kisses me back and smiles that beautiful, radiant, loving smile of his. Just for me.

* * *

Time seems to pass faster since we have been reunited. I thought that it would slow down. I was wrong. Nataku was right.

Stupid Onna.

_/Forget what we're told/_

Oz soldiers came a few hours after Winner was brought in. They left water and bread. A little over an hour after they came back. One by one, we were taken from the cell to the necessary, which we were allowed to use, and brought back. None of us really wanted to go. I went first. My arm hurt, my body ached. They were not careful. Quatre was next. When they took Yuy, Maxwell didn't want to let go. The soldiers pried him off, roughly tossing him to the floor, with comments of "faggot", "whore", "bitch".

Maxwell was taken after Yuy. They weren't even allowed to touch before Duo was pulled away. He came back a mess. Shaking, staggering, limping and bleeding. He collapsed into Yuy's arms and clung. It was as if he tried hard enough, they could meld together. Barton and Quatre bore the separation with more grace.

I should have found Yuy's and Duo's attachment weak. I should have found it distracting. Instead, I find endearing. Nataku is torn between amusement and frustration. She rolls her eyes at me.

The cell door is thrown open and Barton stumbles through. Quatre, who is helping to comfort Duo, looks up. An unspoken conversation passes between them. Quatre turns back to Duo. Barton turns to me. A few steps and he is kneeling in front of me. He reaches into his picket and with draws a large scrap of dark fabric. The remains of Quatre's blindfold.

_/Before we get to old/_

Carefully he reaches out, gently probing the bone he had set three days before. It hurts. I grit my teeth against the pain. He makes a sound of approval. Efficiently, yet delicately Trowa uses the fabric to create a makeshift sling. It is crude. It does not banish the pain.. But it does relieve some of the pressure. He stands to leave.

"Thank you"

Trowa meets my eyes and smiles. It is small and fades quickly but the warmth of his eyes is genuine. Trowa returns to his lover.

I watch the others from my distance. Heero is holding Duo. Quatre, finger combing the ends of the loose chestnut hair. His smile as Trowa settles next to him. A solid warmth against his flank. I suddenly realize I have been unconsciously referring to them by their first names. My eyes go wide. Nataku is smirking at me.

When did this happen? I had kept them at arms length for the longest time. Playing the arrogant dragon, when I was really was just lonely. Calling them by their last names was a way I kept the distance. That detachment was gone now. My mind is reeling. Here we are sitting in an Oz cell with less then twenty-four hours to live and I'm discovering attachments I didn't know I had!

This is ridiculous!

I'm in shock.

This is not something that happens to Chang Wufei, last of the Dragon Clan.

Nataku is holding two hands over her mouth to stifle laughter. Her dark eyes dance with mirth. Bothersome Onna.

How long I am lost in my thoughts I am not sure. Abruptly, I am aware that someone is calling my name. A slaughtered 'friendly' version of my name.

"Fei"

The voice is raspy and annoyingly familiar.

"Wu-chan. FeiFei, Wu-bear, Wuffers…"

There is only one person in the entire universe who would dare call me such names. It pulls me to the surface of my thoughts. I find myself staring straight across the cell into a pair of violet eyes.

"Fei"

I blink slowly. An acknowledgment he accepts

"Come over here."

His hand is resting in the slight space between Heero and Trowa, who are each holding their respective partners. I blink at him again.

Quatre picks it up. "Please Wufei. We're in this together. We should finish it together."

"Come on Fei. You're our friend. Friends should stick together."

Friends. That word strikes a chord in my soul. On L5 I didn't have friends. I had rivals and schoolmates, training partners and teachers. No one classified as a friend. Nataku had been the closest but she died before it could happen.

Friends. I try the word out in my mind as I stand. Friends. I move to the others. Friends. I settle between them. Friends, they are my friends.

Nataku is happy. Her eyes are bright and relieved.

Stupid onna.

I might have to thank her for this.

* * *

I have the last watch. It is early still. I am the only one awake. After Wufei joined us, we talked. Shared our pasts, reminisced on certain moments. When Duo fell asleep, we divided the watches. Wufei took first watch, Trowa second, Quatre third. I took the dawn watch.

_/All that I am/_

The five of us are clustered against the rear wall to the left of the door. Quatre and Trowa are entwined together in the corner. His head resting on his bent right knee, Wufei is straight against the wall. Duo is curled between Wufei and me, head resting in my lap. Sometime during the night, his braid loosened and started to unravel. So when my turn for watch came I finished taking it down to redo it. However, I have not rebraided it yet. Instead, I am running my fingers through the long chestnut hair. Duo purrs while I do this. It's soft but I can feel the vibration against my leg.

In the dimness of the cell it is quiet. So different from what happened last night.

_/All that I ever was/_

When the soldiers entered our cell and took Wufei, Duo was convinced that we would never see him again. He burrowed into me as close as he could and clung. Strangely enough, he was silent and still. Even when the soldiers brought Wufei back and took Quatre all he did was flinch. Quatre was brought back and all hell broke loose.

They wanted to take me next. Duo would not let go. They grabbed him and pried us apart. He didn't say anything. Didn't need to. Laying in a crumpled heap, eyes locked with mine, he silently begged me not to go. So much in those violet eyes. He was nearly hysterical with distress and terror. I was dragged away from that haunting gaze, wondering if my heart could hurt anymore.

They brought me back and took him. Duo reached for me, just wanting the reassurance of touch, that I was real. He was denied even that tiny thing. A look of complete and utter panic, and he was gone. I paced. Probably drove the others to distraction. Well maybe. After I was incarcerated, I paced all the time. Though not with the same intensity I did then.

Duo came back trembling and frayed. He made a beeline for my arms. Trowa went quietly and Quatre turned to helping me clam Duo. Eventually we got his hair relatively combed and braided. Brushing his hair has always been a calming habit for the both of us.

Like now. He is totally relaxed, unaware of the harsh reality he will soon awake to. The only thing that would make it more perfect would be to see those brilliant violet eyes. But that would mean that he would be awake, which I don't want. So he sleeps on and those amethyst irises stay closed.

_/Is here in your perfect eyes; they're all I can see/_

A handful of minutes pass. I can feel eyes on me. I raise my gaze to meet Trowa's maybe five feet away. He smiles. It's a small one, little more than a flexing of lips, but it's a smile. I send back my own ironic gut twisting grin. We're quiet, each lost in our own thoughts. Duo says silence comes easy to Trowa and me. He's right. I trade glances with Trowa again. He's thinking what I'm thinking. We are well aware of what today holds. We're wishing for someway to protect the ones carefully cradled against us. But we know that they would never forgive us it we did. There are only a few hours at most. Only a little left to live.

Wufei wakes soon after. He joins our silent vigil, not saying a word. Maybe an hour later, the last of our group wakes. Duo is still as I rebraid his hair. He thanks me, with a quick brush of lips against my cheek. We are subdued, clustered in our corner, trying to brave ourselves for our end.

_/I don't know where/_

Because we are so quiet, we can hear the marching steps in the hallway outside. We rise to our feet, presenting a united front. Duo is leaning against my chest. He turns his face up to me.

"I love you"

"I love you."

I kiss him. He tastes like Duo, mixing danger, rain and the unique taste that is him. Underlying that though is the taste of blood. The scent of death. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Quatre and Trowa doing the same.

"Don't leave me"

"Never"

I kiss him again. Longer and as deep as we can go. We part and he slides from my arms to stand at my side. We're ready.

The door opens and the cell is filled with men. Pushing and prodding they separate us. Our hands are cuffed in front and we are individually surrounded. There is a pair in front of me and I can sense a pair behind. One flanks me on either side. Another ring of soldiers goes around the outside.

We move. My mind starts building and analyzing plans. There are too many to overwhelm without automatic weapons. The chance of attempting escape it too great. I might be able to provoke enough to get them to open fire. Though the chances of us all being eliminated is low. The remainder would be tortured and humiliated for spite. Not worth the calculated risk. Better to die on your feet then be butchered with malice.

_/Confused about how as well/_

I can see Duo ahead of me. The two soldiers flanking him have him by his arms. They are all that's preventing him from collapsing. I wish I could be the one to help him. I wish we weren't here. I wish we could have won. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I am getting sentimental. I am a weapon. I was trained for this reason. Created to fight, obey without question and die. Not to love. Not to live. My sole purpose is to win or die trying. I don't get second chances. Despite all that, I somehow got more. Maybe it's love. Maybe it's my approaching death. Maybe it's nothing at all.

I wish…

I can see the final door ahead of us. Though that lies our fate. We won't come back thought that doorway. Footsteps behind me slow then stop. An angry curse and a blow. Stumbling steps start again.

I wish…

The door is opening. Sunlight pools though it, puddling on the floor.

I wish…

I wish I had a second chance.

* * *

The cement is cold against my feet. The courtyard is awash with sunshine, but it is still cool. The sun's not been up for long. Rows and rows of Oz soldiers stand at attention, silent and cold. Somewhere the Colonel, Romerfeller representatives, and commanding officers are watching. All I can see though is the pathway to our gallows.

The two soldiers that have my arms don't allow me to hesitate. They are all that is keeping me from collapsing. My body is on fire. My back has opened up again and the infection is making it nearly impossible to walk. I'm dragged down that open pathway to the wall, our gallows. They shove me up against it and leave. I stagger, falling as my leg gives out.

_/If I lay here/_

Hands clutch my arm, right me and pull back until I rest against his side. My Heero. Once again he's there, preventing me from falling. Quatre, Trowa and Wufei are lined against the wall on his other side.

In front of us is a line of ten soldiers, guns at their sides. Our executioners. Vaguely I can hear a voice listing our crimes against humanity and glorifying the start of a new régime. I'm more worried about the voices in my head. They've been there since I woke this morning.

You're done. When that trigger is pulled you'll be erased. Gone.

You should have listened. Father Maxwell and Sister Helen were right, you're going to hell. You'll burn for the atrocities you've committed.

Fucking Baby Killers! You'll pay for this. I'm the God of Death you bastards! Shinigami isn't dead yet!

"Heero don't leave me. Don't go. I don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me."

The vague voice stops and all is quiet for a few long moments. Except the voices in my head. They're clamoring.

You're gone.

You've gotten exactly what you deserve.

Son of a Bitch! Come on!

Don't go.

A new voice sounds. It cracks the air like a whip. The execution squad, moving in sync, picks up their guns, unsnap the safeties and place them at the ready.

Heero's hands tighten on my arm. What I wouldn't give to spend this moment inside his embrace.

All the voices are quiet. The courtyard is silent.

Goodbye guys. Love you.

"FIRE!"

_/If I just lay here/_

The bang is simultaneous. Liquid fire appears in my belly and races to meet it's twin in my shoulder. My vision whites, then slowly some back into focus. I'm laying on my side on the ground facing the guys. Wufei is dead, single shot to the head. Trowa's twitching but the movement is getting slower. Quatre's chest is ripped open, his eyes wide and staring. Heero. He's still alive but fading fast. I reach for him ignoring the flashes of pain. His lips are moving.

"Love…………yo…u."

No! He's gone. They're all gone. no! No! NO!

Wait.

I can see them. They're standing there. Trowa and Quatre together. Wufei, with a soft smile, meeting a black haired girl. Heero is looking at me. His lips are moving but I can't hear.

Wufei is the first to leave. The girl says something and his gaze is drawn to a blur in the distance. They disappear. Quatre and Trowa motion and then they're gone as well. Heero is still talking, reaching for me. I stretch my hands toward him.

If I can just touch he'll stay. He won't go

His image wavers.

No. Don't go. Please don't go.

A few centimeters left.

Please

Just as they reach mine, his fingers fade. His eyes. Those beloved dark blue eyes, so full of emotion are the last thing and then he's…gone. All I can see is dark ground and bright sky.

I scream.

Nothing comes out. Wet trickles from my eyes. I'm crying.

Wait.

"Look this one's still alive"

Come back

"Better send him to hell with the rest."

Please.

BANG!

It's dark. Sister Helen used to say that when we died there'd be light. She was wrong. There is no light. There is no familiar face. I'm alone. There's nothing.

"Duo"

My name whispered. A caress in the blackness.

"I'm here."

A hand in the dark. I take it.

"Let's go"

It's warm.

* * *

Owari


End file.
